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I Thought Today...
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Date:2009-06-05 17:20
Subject:141 weeks...goddamn!
Mood: bouncy

A very real and mellow quiet covers me on a daily basis now. Every since I knew what I wanted to do with my life. When I answered that plaguing question that haunts every living person at this age: “What do I want to do with my life?” Now that I know I just feel right. I walk with a feather in my step and listen to music with a new smile on my face. In a way I let go or the stress that comes with that question and for the first time in my life I know that I won’t fail.

It’s something that won’t come true for a couple of years, right after I graduate, but it’s something that is very attainable. I can taste it. Usually I wouldn’t fret about the future, but with this it becomes something else entirely. It’s like seeing that you’re nearing the end of an obstacle course and still haven’t plunged headfirst into the water.

Yet something else is eating away at my insides right now. Knowing the person who I want to be with but knowing I can do little to get her.
I love her and yet am unwilling to sacrifice my life plan for her. Is that selfish of me? Is it a mistake?

If I move back to El Paso, in many ways, it would be a great move. I’d be closer to my friends, and more importantly my family. Bigger and better parties every weekend like back in the day to melt away the stresses of work and school. Raving, drinking, fucking, blacking out, not sleeping till noon…not waking up until 3.

If I stay here I’d be content with chilling at small occasions with acquaintances, the unattached company of that girl. Content until my life begins elsewhere and I become a worldly individual. Content with driving to Denver for major concerts and watching movies with friends etc….Content
But in El Paso I would not have the chance to reach that goal, that plan that I set for myself. UTEP only offers French, German, Latin, a of course Español. No Japanese. If I were to move back I’d not only give up my dream and goal in life, but I’d waste God knows how much time&money on the classes I’ve taken that won’t transfer or that would become irrelevant.
…she tells me it shouldn’t matter. “When you’re in love, none of that should matter.”

I think it does, and it should. I’ve offered her a chance to come live with me, set down a real plan for a life I can see in my mind: a life with her. Who knows what will happen, but I hope it happens soon, because I can wait, but not forever.

So While I have the next five years [or so] pretty much sketched out in my mind, career wise. Love–women in general— are another box of worms. When I get back I’d be roughly 28-29ish and I’d imagine, at that age, a man is ripe with opportunity for family and career goals. But that’s still a long ways away, no need worrying about it now. Only time will tell.

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Date:2006-09-18 17:03

Only two people picked me up. Hitching toward and from the mountain, only two people picked me up.

Saturaday afternoon I decided to climb one of these bitches. One of these huge mountains that mocked me so. "I'm a mountain, you are merely a human." Fuck you!

I decided on that one, the one that was so close to me I could taste it.

But it wasn't so simple. Of course it wasn't going to be... it's a fucking mountain. I was on my way about 6.00pm. Army sleeping bag prepared, a couple of beers in my bag, sparks firing in my brain, and battery full of energy ready to stream beats a rythm and amazing music to my ears. I was off. I knew it was for real when I heard "Ants Marching" as my first song.

Us petty humans.

I saw this as a sort of adventure, not so much in the sense of testing things around me... but sort of testing everything I've com to believe and a sort of realization of othings. But what I actually jcame to realize was a little more that I bargained for I supposel. After all, it's not every day that a man comes to himself, bleeding and tormented and asks why he's here and asks for some sort of purpose to this thing called life.

If there were no reward to (reap / heal),
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
Gonna wait it out.

If there were no desire to heal
A damaged and broken man along
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would've walked away by now.
If there were no reward to reap

No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
Gonna wait it out.

If there were no desire to heal
A damaged and broken man along
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would've walked away by now.

As I started, nothing but faith at my core, nothing but belief and faith. And as it began I come to realize what was in front of me.

As I stopped and asked for dircetion at countless place I kept hearing "I hope you're in shape..." hah... "I hope so too."

As I walked, texting Daniel-san, Jen-Jen, Jackie, and Christoff, I saw hence a couple opsticles.

A gated community, the fat of the land in front me. people: "wanting their privacy..." FUCKERS. The rent-a-cop told me at the front that there was no way though here and that it would be best to go toward the zoo and go up through there.... quote un-quote. Fuck that... I've I'd come this far why couldn't you let me through... let me reach my goal.

BAH...!! No goal comes without distractions, no goal comes without time and sacrifice.

Dark side of the moon is a masterpiece. I heard it at least twice on my journey. And it lead my through some thick messes, when my feet were sore and shoulders aching from carrying that damn pack.
But it was all good. As I walked I was picked up, close to beginning my journey, by Micheal. A soldier obviously just coming off his shift at FT. CARSON.

He Asked me what I was doing, I told me without hesitations. And he Explained to me some hardships that he's had, I found it funny how a person can express him/herself with a stranger. I guess there aren't any bourndaries when it comes to meeting new people. Boundaries is one thing I came to understand a bit more....

Micheal said he would find me at BRU if he needed more people for his business. I will be thankfull if that happens, because they get paid a pretty hefty sum.

Walking, Walking, Walking...I cannot enfasize that point enough. Through hills, up and down, up down up down........ *sigh. Thank god I had that music buzzing through my ears, always driving me along...

A SUBWAY! I walked in and the guys said "AWW, we're closed but since I forgot to lock the door I'll make you for sandwiches." YEAH SON! He threw in an extra cookie too. Heh, that might not seem like plenty to the lot of you, but to me, about to embark on this bitch, and not even half-way yet... it meant something.... like if "all the pieces fit"

OH and apparently if you are searching for drugs of any type, Manatou Springs is the place to go around here, I swear I have never seen such scandolous shit in my life...hah. Eye opener indeed.

By then it was late and I was getting every closer to the mountain... "Ruxton" I was told... 15 min...no no....45 min.....ugh...... Walking Walking Walking....

Finally I got to it. Ruxton and Cog railroad/ Mountain Man/ Barr Trail.

The Long hard journey uphill, weaving to-and-fro up the mountain, for some reason the song "Passive" gave me a lot to think about through those first few hours. I was thinking about a few grildfriends I have had in the past and how things seem to matter less as time goes by, and yet at those moments they were all that mattered. Or somehow I, or mankind, or the situation meant more feelings than before.... or than I cared to recognized

Wake up
and face me
Don't play dead
cuz maybe
Someday I'll walk away and say
You fucking disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Go ahead and play dead
I know that you can hear this
Go ahead and play dead

Why can't you turn and face me

You fucking disappoint me

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Date:2006-08-22 22:03

Drinking isnt always fun kids. Sometimes drinking with the wrong people can turn out bad for you.

I understand now what Christoff said about not getting 'shitfaced' for a long time because he just couldn't trust anyone.

It's true then I suppose. I need to find trustworthy people first. Colorado sucks so far. ALthough there are plenty of girlies here...they cact different. I dunno.

Oh well, I've been here about two months or so and I've met a couple of decent chicks to talk to. No guy friends to chill and drink with yet though.

Oh well. I can't wait til I turn 21 and can go to clubs/bars to meet the nightwalkers....

until then... I am Just...

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Date:2006-08-11 20:06
Mood: dirty

I just finished readin' 318 and I can't help but get more thrilled asto where this Saga is going. Akatsuki vs. Konoha!

Sarutobi's Son Asuma in the same team as Shikamaru! Plus two other blokes I recognize but can't place names on.

I feel dirty. I just finished watching World Trade Center, the film.

Eww, I hate hollywood, but oddly enough liked the movie. I was fantastically illustrated.
It brought back memories on that day, and how it was like everything stopped for just that day. Although it's hard, impossible even, to know what it was like to be anywhere near that place, I got a wee taste from actors.

"Vicariously I live, while the whole world dies."

I hate the fact that humans can be so fucked up and so compassionate at the same time. How we are so different and so utterly the same.

The movie made me feel dirty because it was a "true" account of the goins on there. It made me feel sick because I make jokes about it, and laugh knowing it didn't affect me in any way.

We are all in this together.

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Date:2006-04-19 22:17

I'm going to start writing in this thing again. I'm so tired of myspace, its like become utterly self promotion. Although I'll probably end up going back anyhow, seeing as how all my friends are on their and such. But as far as entries or thought asto my life and all that useless senseless shizzah... it'll be and stay here.

Tool's new album is aboot 19 days away from coming out, I hope I can get it the first day it comes out. I thought they were over and done for but then I heard of this new venture, I hear it's gonna rock like.

I wish I could afford to go to their show that is coming here to Sin City, but unfortunately Coachella will have to do. HEHEHE 10 More days until that glorious day.

I can't wait to see all those bands...and people and DRUGS OMG...I bet they will flow like wine. [I was trying tot hink of something witty and clever to put there but oh well.

tomorrow is 4/20, the day which will put and end to my month or so long hiatis from smoking out.

Should be a a good day, eventhough I work -____-

all for now.... Imma do it tomorrow for sure...

I hope

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Date:2005-09-25 10:32

From the moment you said "why haven't you kissed me yet?"
i knew i'd wipe that paint from your lips
i stare the lids off your eyes, gone down on your dirty mind
& end up between you hips
handfuls of sweat tangled hair, anytime, anywhere
i wanna lick you too much baby
i just play all alone, whispering for your moan
forced to crawl down this line, just to touch

i can get in
i can't get out
i'm just sweating my sheets
i hate to see you leave, but i love to watch you go baby
twisted secret lives, the way you bat your eyes
givin head givin head givin head

watch you come from above
i'm so needy for love, i'm desperate,
greedy in slavery
i sneak around from behind
i got a one track mind
we got a skin on skin thing baby
i wanna lick you too much
i hear you comin ooh aaaah baby

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Date:2005-08-19 18:59
Subject:That green beer...

I had a dream last night, after Jen left. I was in europe... not sure which part. I think it was Amsterdam, but anyway...

We were in a Starbucks of all places and there was a wall filled with all the combinations of coffeebean drinks one could get [with cream without, foam no foam, sprinkles even etc...]

And as we sat down --I was with two stranger girls, beautiful but distant, and a friend of mine [now I can't remmeber who] I think it was John though my former "drug dealer" ^__^-- the man asked us what we would like.

Everyone answered in turn, ladies first of course. And I said I will track him down and order later on.

A series of events happened that I rememebr quite vividly. Like when one of those young ladies ordered a beer and had to go outside to drink it, but ended up chugging it in front of everyone jsut so she wouldn't go out in the cold [it was snowing]...

When I wanted my cappuchino, I went to the counter and couldn't decide... I told him to surprise me, and just when he was about to tell me what concoction he had made for me...I woke up

In a rage, as if he was about to tell me the meaning of life itself...
I knew with the couple of blinks amongst the conscience, that it was about me not being able to decide on things, not when it comes to little things, but maybe more than that..

Not taking a chance and going for it when I should... It made me think of those green eyes, those lovely green eyes and how I should've said something, should've spoken up...

I didnt egt to see her today though, sadly... soon though, soon...


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Date:2005-08-15 21:44
Subject:Sharks among sheep.

School School school.... Buger blasters


I'm bored, work early tomorrow.
New Assistant Manager at work, wonder whats gonna happen.

Sin City comes out on DVD tomorrow, after work I will cash check and tip-toe toward Wal-Mart and buy that shit.... Hopefully those dif covers are there, wonder which I will get.

Jen came out of nowhere today, I wasnt even dressed. Slept most of the day though talked about how she thinks life is hell [all too familiar conversation], how she can't find MR. Right and how I would be if I let myself [heh], and how he brother is and asshole, and how she hates living there...etc.....

Still waiting for something amazing, something breathtaking, aweinspiring.

Something Random, something stupid.

Have meeting for Fin Aid on the 18th, need money so badly Imma take it, til I start applying for scholarships and such, should turn out alright.


Measly thrills, unstopable lust... Might go see her tomorrow.

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Date:2005-08-12 16:50
Subject:How wrong...

Apparently one of people that "knows me the best" thinks I want:

Mrs. Bubbly
Miss Chatterbox
Miss Blondie
Ms. Oblivious
Mrs. Dramatic....

the list goes on I suppose because you all know the type.

how funny that she said that.
How untrue that is and how close she is to being the type that I would strive to get to know the kind to spend alll my time with.

So Close...

I want my red head ^___^ hehe

Nah, I want someone who doesn't criticise me, who doesn't judge me... a freak in the sac ^___^
And she could be Mrs. Rocker MRs. Preppy Mrs. Reserve

etc....doesn't matter, I just want someone to connect with, its what everone wants....

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Date:2005-08-12 00:28
Subject:Last night...she said....

Yesterday I felt a different kind of pain. After smoking a cigarette I burned it on the "X" on my arm.

I wondered why for a little while but then it came to me like the surge of pain that the bud brought.

I like to feel more than I like to think.

I remember a long time ago when I couldn't deal with the most extreme of troubles and I cut myself... not in any suicidal sense, mind you, but just because this pain had to come out of me...and it did. Just some scratches made it come out.

PERSPECTIVE.... Imagine how god [if there is sucha thing] feels when a person kills themselves, how he must think he failed them.

Now imagine you feeling the kind of pain he feels, creating something that makes you feel pain, creating the most elaborate kind of pain. Creating that lil scratch.

HAH, Im not crazy, I'm not suicidal Im not demented in any sense, but just imagine....

I figured out that I like to FEEL more than I like to think. I have thought books and books on subjects that don't even matter, and furlongs on ones that do.

I would give anything to feel the pain of life more than experience it in my head, pondering every lil possibility, every insecurity....

I want to feel more...


Schools almost starting, back to the old antics, abck to weight lifting and running and keeping fit, thank god... summer gave me more of a lil tummy than I wanted. Back to the fitness center, another stress reliever. Another solution....

ready to go... lets go... I'm ready

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Date:2005-07-31 18:04
Subject:Park in the Dark.

Yesterday was interesting. A night very much unique to me, at least with this person.

For some reason the diming light trailed on through the night, I saw her eyes in the same lighting I did when the sun was setting.
It was odd to me, so enthralled.

After that cruise with Julian and Danny, I wanted to go there, to one of those peaks and gaze upon El Paso, right when the sun was setting. I figured I'd have to take her, just because I know we'd appreciate it exactly the same way, so we went.

And with Curious eyes we sat there, on taht mountain and saw everything, like never before. I saw her like never before. Hmmm....

Strange... very strange

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Date:2005-07-25 01:05

To become maybe a lil better.

Doors open everyday...heh
Chances impose themselve upon me sometimes.

Life seems to smile on me at certain times. I swear the crap I've taken almost seems worth it....just because of Karma

Here is to that hat of tricks called life. May you never be fouled by it.

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Date:2005-07-23 12:42

Who knows why...

I dreamt a beautiful dream.
For reasons unknown to me, I was blessed with this picture.
A Picture of lost love, her blue, angelic eyes gazed upon me once more.


I'm assuming because of Vanessa.
Why am I so speechless when I see eyes like that?
And now, I want her. I am utterly attracted to her.
Having conversations with her is unusual, sometimes so captivated am I that I forget where we started.

Not Blue, but a perfect --not quite Hazel-- Mocha Brown

Not sure what I should do, could go for it but not sure yet.
So many questions still.

We Will See

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Date:2005-07-19 12:05
Subject:Blah blah blah...

I don't know what to think anymore...

So much time thinking, left thinking. What am I to think now...

I hate this shit, I've made my decision and yet I'm still debating whether it was the right one. I spoke to Jen about this whole deal. Afterwards I wwas left not feeling any better.
Fuck it...

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Date:2005-06-20 13:30
Subject:Oh my...

What can I say...I should've kissed her right then and there.

Fool, why are you so afraid of....of....ugh.... everything....

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Date:2005-05-31 16:17

My vision of rgw qoels is scewed.
Everything has shape and yet everything is dused together, forming no particular pattern.

I suppose thats what the world is, a series of uncoordinated patterns.

I'm watching Minority Report. Of course not watching, but every now and rgen catching perfect figures with eyes and finely shaped faces.

It's fun though ^____^

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Date:2005-05-27 13:15

I wrote something at work yesterday, during my break... it was pretty cool .

I wish I could remember, or I wish I would've brought that napkin home wiith me.
I hope I get drunk off my ass this weekend...


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Date:2005-05-20 18:35
Subject:The month of May

What would a man do if he was pushed to his absolute limits?
What kind of demons would spew from his mouth at his lowest point...
I wonder this and it reminds me of a quote I heard a long time ago, not worth mentioning... its about anger and how people manage to live with its sudden attacks.

I dunno, sometimes I just think people should disappear, for one reason or another, people are evil at heart, so why dont they just go away

bleh I dunno what Im talking about, nothing really in particular... I havent read Red[that f-ing rhymes] in a long ass time, I think I might've actually lost it, like so many other things...bleh.

I usually end up finding crap though, which is good ^___^


I'm at Omar's , he is spinning the tracks to my right, heh party going down tonight, sucks that I have work tomorrow but I will tough it out and go anyway.

Don't work until 9:30, so I shouldn't be that tired from the madness. Indeed it shall be fun just like anyother night. full of laughs and such... and Mar MAr will be spinning so good music will be on for sure... heh, he seems to be having a lil trouble at the moment though.


I'm just bored is all, typing... readin some parts from a good book I read long ago... Memories of those times flood back to me... when it was just me and Jen, or me and Priscilla.

It seems like so long ago and yet feels so close to my heart, feels so near.
I watched some episodes of Dragon Ball GT at Jens house, it was great we were there all day alone in her room, talking, laughing, f*cking...everything anyone would want and can't have. Two frineds, comforting eachother, two friends protecting eachother from the crap that is this world. Heh

Don't I sound so optimistic

Truth is, it was great, like old times. Looking back now I wonder how many times I've thought about being more than friends with her but yet I can't do it. We won't let eachother. So much to lose. My baby_girl [lol]

We won't let eachother be so foolish asto destroy something seemingly perfect. I know we both die a little everytime either one of us leaves for days, weeks, months... we won't let eachother...

bleh...hehe I was supposed to find some weed for a co-worker of mine, April, but it seems I did not come through. Should've tried harder I suppose but oh well...shit happens.

all for now kids


well that WAS going to be the end of my entry, but I cant connect to post this shite so I'll just keep going.

What would it be like to be immortal, I mean sure you'd gain all the knowledge in the world, maybe even see "God" for what he truly is...
Maybe taste bueatys not even seen on any television or fashion show... would living forever mean you lived each day to its fullest, or would begin to drag on like anyother constant plague.
After existing for so long, would everything you see just be a mesh of everything else?

As in: would this bed end, and the carpet begins, or would it just be united?...would everything fuse together to create the ultimate view of the world? "We are all connected."

Shiny disco Balls! HEH!! the last time I went to LS it sucked balls! noone was dancing for GodsSakes, and the music was so fucking awesome it was just wrong...

grrr... Sfinge was playing good music but then they had to ruin it of course...BAH!
Speaking of fuck [lol] damn Jen is turning into a freak, heh. indeed.

bleh I should just put this shite as my first mySpace entry, or whatever the fuck it is there... I just need a change of scenery from this livejournal, I've had this shite forever, lots and lots of crap on here, bleh

I need to stop writing.


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Date:2005-04-29 17:27
Subject:Up and Adam

Yellow Rose is long gone now.

Lupe was a fling... to say the least.

Young and full of life but troublesome... so its done.

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Date:2005-04-06 14:24

That was the most excruciating bike ride I’– fucking – ve ever had. [heh] But, to say the least, it was necessary, for many reasons mind you…

I’ve decided who I want to be, what I want to be and how I plan to get to that destination.

It started with Paul van Dyk’s “For an Angel,” after work; I had decided earlier to go for a bike ride, so I got up and got out the door, promising myself that I will do important things later [FAFSA, Eassays and such…]. So as the piano started I was on the bike and off down Cameldale, toward a world of thinking.
The First run… Was nothing but music, just starting the session, concentrating on nothing but cycling my legs. “For An Angel,” had finished and I’m pretty sure if was “Ticks & Leeches,” had started. I was thinking about what I thought that song meant, and when I figured it out [got high before school a wee long time ago].
Just moseying along….

I swear time went by fast… my pores were exploding with sweat [exaggeration, but it sounds cool ^___^], and I had finished One full lap around my neighborhood [which is a bitch of a hill] along with 6 half neighborhoods [which looks like a backwards D].
The wind was blowing against my body when I rounded the first corner again, I decided “Four more half hoods, and I will stop.”
During those first of four, time was an enemy. Everything slowed down and I was eager to finish what I had promised I’d do.

So I did them and in the last half of the half… I decided what I will do. I know why I’m doing it also. I have seen enough, first with Jen and Stacie, and now even Nicole. And that long “relationship” I had in the past has showed me what the world is now. I was not single for too long. Damn whores [well…2 of them at least lol]

So I rode, I know what I have to do now, to find better ones, instead of the girls. I will spare you the details…
To Christoff, Danny, Joe, maybe even mar-MarCollapse )</center>
So as I finished the last half lap I told myself to do another five full laps, to finalize what I had endured, thinking and cycling, exhausted. So there I went, thinking further… Well I’m tired of typing but the gist of the last five was that…
>I must inform myself on the career path I will have chosen.
>Something about a community outreach program that will boost a future resume.

All for now, need to finish essay.

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