David... (naruto_kenshin) wrote,

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141 weeks...goddamn!

A very real and mellow quiet covers me on a daily basis now. Every since I knew what I wanted to do with my life. When I answered that plaguing question that haunts every living person at this age: “What do I want to do with my life?” Now that I know I just feel right. I walk with a feather in my step and listen to music with a new smile on my face. In a way I let go or the stress that comes with that question and for the first time in my life I know that I won’t fail.

It’s something that won’t come true for a couple of years, right after I graduate, but it’s something that is very attainable. I can taste it. Usually I wouldn’t fret about the future, but with this it becomes something else entirely. It’s like seeing that you’re nearing the end of an obstacle course and still haven’t plunged headfirst into the water.

Yet something else is eating away at my insides right now. Knowing the person who I want to be with but knowing I can do little to get her.
I love her and yet am unwilling to sacrifice my life plan for her. Is that selfish of me? Is it a mistake?

If I move back to El Paso, in many ways, it would be a great move. I’d be closer to my friends, and more importantly my family. Bigger and better parties every weekend like back in the day to melt away the stresses of work and school. Raving, drinking, fucking, blacking out, not sleeping till noon…not waking up until 3.

If I stay here I’d be content with chilling at small occasions with acquaintances, the unattached company of that girl. Content until my life begins elsewhere and I become a worldly individual. Content with driving to Denver for major concerts and watching movies with friends etc….Content
But in El Paso I would not have the chance to reach that goal, that plan that I set for myself. UTEP only offers French, German, Latin, a of course Español. No Japanese. If I were to move back I’d not only give up my dream and goal in life, but I’d waste God knows how much time&money on the classes I’ve taken that won’t transfer or that would become irrelevant.
…she tells me it shouldn’t matter. “When you’re in love, none of that should matter.”

I think it does, and it should. I’ve offered her a chance to come live with me, set down a real plan for a life I can see in my mind: a life with her. Who knows what will happen, but I hope it happens soon, because I can wait, but not forever.

So While I have the next five years [or so] pretty much sketched out in my mind, career wise. Love–women in general— are another box of worms. When I get back I’d be roughly 28-29ish and I’d imagine, at that age, a man is ripe with opportunity for family and career goals. But that’s still a long ways away, no need worrying about it now. Only time will tell.
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